Nerdy Rotten Scoundrel: Film Review - ROCK OF AGES ★½☆☆☆☆

Friday, June 15, 2012

Film Review - ROCK OF AGES ★½☆☆☆☆

If there was but one thing I have said about Rock Of Ages since I saw it on stage in NYC while running off-Broadway in 2008, and that was its the only musical I knew nearly every lyric to every song on the entire '80s set list. Since the show boasted a soundtrack comprised of 'The Greatest Hits of the Sunset Strip,' it struck a major chord with this proud child of the '80s who was easily used to cranking up all the popular hair metal tunes.

In 1988, I was in 8th grade when I went to my first concert, Def Leppard (playing 'in the round' no less), just as 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' was riding high atop the radio and MTV hot play lists, and CD's had started to really take off as a listening format.

When the feature film based on the now long-running hit Broadway musical was announced, I knew if there was only one thing about it I would enjoy, it would be that soundtrack of my youth. And after seeing Rock Of Ages on the big screen, it looks like I was right on the money.

But let's start with the plot. As we begin the film we are taken back to 1987 as Sherri Christian (played to cutie pie pixie perfection by Julianne Hough), an Oklahoma small town gal who hits LA's Sunset Strip to pursue her Hollywood singing dreams. The perky wide & blue eyed blonde is promptly robbed of her luggage, and just as promptly lands a job at the Bourbon Room, a sleezyy '80s metal club run by Dennis Dupree (Alec Baldwin). Since destiny brings together similar souls who share similar dreams, Sherri quickly falls in love with her high spirited bar back co-worker Drew Boley (Diego Boneta), also an aspiring singer.

I suppose I shouldn't waste any further space here without getting to Tom Cruise's much hyped role as rock God Stacee Jaxx. Although Cruise's presence is felt throughout the entire story, he is featured on-screen rather sparingly truth be told. But when he is there, he gives a standout performance that is not to be missed. Give the guy credit for going out on a limb by playing (and nailing) an aging burnt out shirtless rockstar, and is required to really perform several iconic songs.

Story-wise there is also backdrop drama about financial woes that threaten to close the club, a conservatist PMRC-esque protest movement against the evils Jaxx and his type of music inspire (led by the Mayor's wife played by Catherine Zeta-Jones), a Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Akerman) determined to delve deep into Jaxx's troubled inner demons, and the struggles of the Sunset Strip relationship of Sherri and Drew.

But the flat out problem with the film is that it's simply painfully flat out flat. When your soundtrack consists of some of the best rock pop ballads, stadium anthems, and head banging tunes ever written, you expect to attend a non-stop party (which was my experience seeing it on stage).

Sadly director Adam Shankman finds scant inspiration from the hard hitting drums, fret defying guitar solos, or any of the karaoke classic lyrics, and delivers a static straight-forward paint-by-numbers movie that just happens to have a lot of characters that break into well know songs. Painful dialogue exchanges in between the hits seem to exist merely as a necessary means to get from tune to tune. And when we get one of the rocking songs to follow along to, Shankman chooses to lose interest and use boring near static camera shots where there should be instead fast & dizzying edits, sweeping crane moves, and fancy Steadi-cam work following the characters in and around well choreographed mini-music videos.

The material offers a wealth of prime visual opportunity that's laid wasted by snooze worthy camera setups and execution. Shankman is a now a repeat offender as I felt the same way about his screen version of Hairspray. Watch any musical number from Rob Marshall's Chicago and you'll see what I mean about translating stage to the big screen in a fun way (and that film also earned Zeta-Jones an Oscar).

Sadly the leads offer little excitement as well. As perfect as Hough is to play a small time wish-upon-a-star girl from Tulsa, when cast opposite Diego's bland goody two shoes dreamer Drew, they add up to a couple who possess no balls, bite, or hard edge between them, especially when dropped into a very decadent setting notorious for sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are not only topped off with incredibly unconvincing wigs, but have many useless time killing and sometimes cringe worthy scenes of dialogue. There is little of the brilliance required for Jack Donaghey seen here in Baldwin's Dennis Dupree.

Getting back to Cruise, who gives his all as the eccentric Jaxx, and for all intents and purposes is the shining star of the film. But its interesting to note that Cruise plays it so straight and serious that its almost out of place in this film that never decides if it needs to be darker in tone or amp up the '80s over the top spoof factor. Plus, Cruise still looks half his actual age and no fading rock star would be lucky enough to remain as physically presentable as he is (take note Axl Rose).

But when it even comes to the make or break question of whether Cruise can hold a note, yes he can. Taking to task Wanted Dead Or Alive, Pour Some Sugar On Me and Paradise City, the Stacee Jaxx versions are welcome updates to those songs' legacies. Cruise has a surprisingly good voice. Would I want to hear a vanity album of metal covers from Tom Cruise & The Mavericks? Eh, that might be pushing it. But obviously a big gamble here was taken and paid off.

Next to the soundtrack, Cruise is the rock solid anchor of Rock Of Ages. His scenes with Malin Akerman offer more than any other pairing in the film, In addition, Jaxx travels with a wing man monkey named Hey Man. Sadly I always fall for the monkey humor in a movie. It gets an easy laugh no matter what in my book. Moving on...

While you can't argue with the sheer fun that goes along with the music, and there are a few rousing numbers, especially when you are given a mash up of songs which showcase the entire cast. But even that stunt has already been trumped by Glee, which has made that a near weekly staple.

Rock Of Ages drags overall in its excessive two hour running time. Less talk, more music. Case closed. The original show's book brilliantly linked unrelated songs from an era, and made it work for moving the plot forward. Here it outstays its welcome. For fans of the era, its a fun no brainer. See it and hit karaoke afterwards. But as far as any depiction of the true seedy yet glam atmosphere of Sunset's Whiskey or Roxy hey days that hosted Guns N' Roses, Poison, Motley Crue, and Warrant's transition from small club performers to multi-platinum arena rockers, you're better off with a repeat of any VH1 Behind The Music or even the better than you'd expect Rockstar starring Mark Wahlberg.

Note: Songs titles included in the film's soundtrack like Nothin' But A Good Time, I Wanna Rock, We're Not Gonna Take It, I Love Rock And Roll, Can't Fight This Feeling, and Don't Stop Believing were purposely not worked or worded into this review in any clever cute way. But... If you are looking for the Heart of Rock & Roll, sadly you will have to search elsewhere. Since that's a Huey Lewis song, it doesn't count...